How To Deal With Obstructive Conversationalists

September 23, 2010 at 2:39 pm (Uncategorized)

Today I’m going to be discussing how to deal with another archenemy of the top .01% called “the obstructive conversationalist.” The obstructive conversationalist is nearly equal in annoyance to the previously discussed slow-walker, however unlike its mobile counterpart the obstructive conversationalist does not move at all. In fact, they can always be found stagnant in the middle of or in front of popular places of interest (i.e. the one path through the middle of campus, in front of your locker, in front of a door, in the middle of a road or sidewalk). One interesting quirk to note about the obstructive conversationalist is that they always travel in pairs, rotating off between telling tales that are riveting enough to stop the flow of pedestrian traffic to listening so intently that they are too awestruck to step aside when people need to pass by them.

The obstructive conversationalist is equally (if not more) common than the slow-walker, thus you need to know appropriate ways of dealing with them in your daily lives.

An Analysis: How Do Obstructive Conversationalists Think?

There are two types of obstructive conversationalists: the bubble and the non-bubble types.

The Bubble:

The bubble types of obstructive conversationalists gain their name from their obvious consciousness of the imaginary bubble used to represent one’s personal space. They often stand far enough apart that they take up the entire area of a sidewalk, for example, leaving only a small gap between them that becomes extremely awkward to walk through.

By understanding that personal space is important to them, we can determine the most effective way to emotionally and mentally attack: disrespect their personal space, or “bubble.”

Now, there are many ways to invade personal space, so use your best judgment. However, I will give you some examples.

Example 1:

Walk casually between the pair of obstructive conversationalists, slowing down as you begin to move in through the gap. Now, as you reach the direct center of the two obstructive conversationalists you should be slowed almost to a complete halt. At this point you turn directly toward the speaker, giving them a friendly “Hello!” in the middle of their current sentence. Then, simply stand there and smile for a few seconds before continuing on your path.

This accomplishes 3 things:

  1. You make them uncomfortable by invading the area that they purposefully reserved for their personal space.
  2. By interrupting their train of thought and briefly becoming the center of attention you shut down their flow of ideas and disrupt the whole conversation.
  3. If this goes well, you will have successfully instilled a mental relationship between ‘standing in the middle of the sidewalk’ and ‘awkward interactions,’ thus possibly preventing future reoccurrences of obstructing walkways. Go on, do the world a favor.

Example 2:

A second example of dealing with the “bubble” type of obstructive conversationalists is nearly identical to the first, but instead of speaking or smiling you simply take a few minutes between them to make sure that your shoes are tied, and retied correctly.

You will find the results to be the same as in Example 1.

The Non-Bubble:

The non-bubble types of obstructive conversationalists are different because instead of keeping a distance between each other they stand close, meaning that the only option of getting around them is to walk off the path into mud, puddles, animal feces etc.

Unfortunately, it is a lot harder to deal with these types because they lack the obvious weakness of requiring personal space. So, how do we deal with them?

There is no tried and true method to deal with the “non-bubbles” so, in that regard we are all pioneers of a new study. But, since this is a guide blog I will give you some examples of what I might do when dealing with non-bubble obstructive conversationalists.

Scenario 1:

It has been raining, puddles have gathered on the sides of the path and to your misfortune there is a group of non-bubble obstructive conversationalists standing in your way. There are two ways of dealing with this:

  1. You are wearing good pants, so you can’t exactly walk through the water. So, what do you do? You stand within 2-3 inches of the obstructive conversationalists and sigh loudly once every 5 seconds. They will either lose their train of thought and step aside, or they will become annoyed and just leave.
  2. You are wearing pants that you can get dirty. I hope you are looking for some sweet social justice. You stomp through that puddle and splash all of the mud and water you can onto the obstructive conversationalists. Maybe you dropped a quarter somewhere behind you, go back and pick it up and then splash back through the water. Now the obstructive conversationalists either have to go home and change clothes or they leave to prevent further damage.
  3. If you encounter the obstructive conversationalists on a day where you happen to be frustrated or need to let off some steam, simply walk through the middle of them, pushing them off the path into whatever you would have had to be walking through instead.

Scenario 2:

There is no rain and it is safe to walk off the path.

  1. It’s safe to walk off the path and around the obstructive conversationalists, but I rarely do this because it doesn’t teach the obstructive conversationalists anything.
  2. If you are opposed to using Option 1 (as I am), use Option 1 or 3 from Scenario 1.

I hope today’s lesson will help you down the road. The obstructive conversationalist is a very common source of annoyance and stress which makes the end of your own life come much sooner. And obviously, being the whole reason the world this world still exists means that you have to do what you can to preserve your vitality.

As the top .01% we are outnumbered by rude, inconsiderate, and unintelligent people. Oftentimes the only solace we can find is gaining our own sense of justice and knowing that, even if in little amounts at a time, we are making the planet a better place for our kind to live.

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Gaining Power and Influece through Moral Balance

September 22, 2010 at 12:14 pm (Uncategorized)

“I woke the same as any other day except a voice was in my head. It said, ‘Seize the day. Pull the trigger, drop the blade, and watch the rolling heads.’” -Chris Cornell
Today is Round 2 of the Elitist’s Guide to Living Successfully, and you’re in luck because I still want to provide you with a piece of my infinite knowledge in hopes that one day you may excel slightly beyond your current, pathetic place amongst the sheep that relentlessly work to destroy all that makes to world enjoyable for folks like myself, the top .01% of society, to live in.
Yesterday’s advice on how to use slow-walkers to avoid charities and the homeless was merely a taste of the iceberg.  So, on that note, for Round 2 I wanted to go a bit deeper into the lifestyle and duties of the top .01%. In this post I will be discussing how to gain power and influence through living a morally balanced life.
What Is Moral Balance?
For those of you that are incapable of putting two and two together to determine meaning, I will assist you. Moral, meaning ‘relating to issues of right and wrong’ and balance, meaning ‘a state in which two opposing forces or factors are of equal strength or importance so that they effectively cancel each other out and stability is maintained’ imply a concept quite unknown to the other 99.99% of the population.
Basically, being morally balanced means that as one of the few great individuals to walk the earth you need to put forth equal efforts to be both “good” and “evil” at the same time. This will obviously conflict with the idea drilled into everyone’s mind that you should only do good things.  What a brainless suggestion.
But, Why Should We Be Evil?
As the top .01% of society, it is your duty to oversee and manipulate the functions of the world as if it were your very own puppet. You are the reason the earth still exists, because no supernova is brave enough to threaten the life of such an elite individual. Thus, the people living below you on the social and intelligence ladder owe their lives to you. Unfortunately, we live in a world full of selfish, greedy people that don’t want to forfeit power over to the rightful hands.
How do we solve this problem? We gain influence, and then gain our power through that influence. But, in order to gain influence you must be able to relate to the people so that they will trust you. As an aspiring top .01% fledgling, you may already be in touch with the “good” side of society (i.e. the church goers, occasionally forced volunteer work).
But here is the most important part! You are missing out on more than 2.5 million people. In 2008 it was recorded that there were 2,424,279 people incarcerated in the U.S. alone. You’ve often seen elections come down to being decided by a miniscule 100 votes, so in relation to that, 2.5 million people are a HUGE factor in gaining your power.
Obviously, being wholly “good” does not put you in good graces with these people. It is the completely “good” people that set the standards that criminals are judged against.
On that note, you must also be “evil” to gain equal favor from all spectrums of society. You will notice that your influence and power will increase as you continue to live a morally balanced life.
The Process of Being Morally Balanced
This is the simplest part of today’s lesson. If you take anything from this post it should be this:
For every good deed you must have one bad deed. 
Really, what deeds you do in a day are based off of possibilities and judgments as a day progresses. Just remember to have one for every one so that you have balance.
Here is an example from a day in my life:
Evil Deed:
I was approached on the sidewalk to donate $20 to support the BS SPCA. Well, seeing that I had an opportunity here to complete a bad deed, I quickly and coldly turned that request down. Yes, I just refused to help stop animal cruelty. But, you know what… It’s Sarah McLachlan’s fault anyway, because any time I happen to come across her commercial on TV with a bunch of beaten and sickly animals with ‘Arms of an Angel’ playing in the background I start to tear up. And when you are the top .01% you don’t cry.  She is attempting to undermine my greatness by emotionally breaking me down. That does not happen. This is my world!
Anyway, think of it this way. When you have your absolute power the possibilities of stopping animal cruelty are endless. Things have a way of working themselves out.
Good Deed:
In order to balance my day I now needed to complete one “good” deed to balance out the “evil”. So, I was in Speedway waiting to purchase my pack of Eclipse gum and decided to begin searching for opportunities.  I didn’t have much luck, until I finally made my purchase and was given back 3 pennies. PERFECT! I was able to donate my 3 pennies to the ‘Give a Penny, Take a Penny’ fund.
Now, if someone is ever short 3 cents on their purchase, they are in luck. The will of the top .01% was there to save them.
Conclusion
So, as you can see my day was off to great start in terms of gaining influence and power because I had already started to make myself relatable to the wretches of the world in a ‘one for every one’ balanced manner.
It’s as simple as that. Live a balanced life, gain influence, gain power, live a happy life in control of the world. Sometimes you just need to forget what is instilled in your mind as the “right thing” and listen to that voice that tells you to “‘seize the day. Pull the trigger, drop the blade, and watch the rolling heads’” because that is the key to finding true balance.
I hope this helps you on your journey to reach the top .01%.

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Using Slow-Walkers to Avoid Charity and the Homeless

September 21, 2010 at 3:08 pm (Uncategorized)

What Is A Slow-Walker?
I mentioned briefly in my first post a particular archenemy of mine that I label as the “slow-walker.” I’m sure many of you sub-optimal humans are unfamiliar of what this title actually entails since at this point in time you are on the same social and intellectual level as they are, so I will elaborate for you.
A slow-walker is simply a subpar human being with a tendency to walk slower than others. Now, this can be the result of many causes such as talking on the phone while walking, texting while walking, eating while walking (a.k.a. ’1 mph Picnic’), being on some form of narcotics, or just being plain lazy. These folks are typically harmless, aside from the fact that if you get stuck walking behind them you are only allowed a short amount of time to pass them before your brain disintegrates out of frustration, and that is where our problems arise.
The slow-walker is most prevalent on college campuses, crowded cities, or Wal-Mart (unfortunate enough, places that we have to frequent in our daily lives). Lucky for us there are many ways to deal with this. However, today I will just begin by explaining to you how they can be used to avoid giving money to charities and homeless people.
The Method
Please allow me to set up this scenario for you:
You are reluctantly walking up to doors of Wal-Mart so you can purchase a loaf of bread for a reasonable price at the expense of employees receiving poor pay and benefits and you notice a little boy  in some form of odd attire looking at you with glistening eyes as he holds a box of popcorn. Immediately you realize that he wants your money for something that doesn’t benefit you, the top .01% of society that allows the world to continue to spin on its axis. Well, that is very selfish of him indeed!
But wait! An inexplicable rage hits you before finally realizing that at the same time, some guy just fell out of his beater truck and walked out in front of you, corndog in hand as he proceeds to get in a quick snack between the parking lot and the store moving at a mind-numbing pace of 1mph.
The irrational thought process of a fledgling top .01% would lead them to believe that this is the pinnacle of your increasingly worsening day. But that couldn’t be further from the truth!
You must learn to be resourceful. How can we get revenge on this slow-walker and save our own money at the same time?
Well, that’s actually quite simple. You use the slow-walker as a physical barrier between you and the relentless child trying to strip you of the funds you need to maintain your greatness. “But, how can you survive an extended amount of time behind a slow-walker without risking the continued existence of your brain?” you may be asking yourself. I’m pleased to tell you that the answer to this question is also quite simple. Basically, your brain can be sustained by the realization that all at once you are acquiring revenge, justice, and facilitating natural selection.
Please, allow me to explain.
Revenge:
This slow-walker got in front of you, and carelessly tried to end your existence. Well, by using their ill intentions against them you are able to use them as a physical barrier, thus forcing them and their weak conscience to give that little boy money instead of you.
Justice:
The world would be a horrible place if it were not for people like you to subtly punish those who work against the population.
Natural Selection:
Alas, that slow-walker gave up his money to that Boy Scout and you were able to escape unscathed. What does this mean? You now have more sufficient funds for continued survival than the slow-walker.
Congratulations, you have just made your first step toward becoming more like me! A very smart decision indeed.
Further Application
Avoiding giving change to the homeless in cities such as New York, escaping giving funds to student organizations on college campuses, or even eluding those annoying bell-ringers during the holidays are other examples of when to use this clever process of turning your enemies against your enemies.
I can only hope that you have found this information useful and that you are able to apply it in your own lives. Time and time again, I have found that this easy-to-execute trick has never failed me.

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A Quick Introduction

September 21, 2010 at 2:18 pm (Uncategorized)

Alas, the moment that you all have been anxiously anticipating… A guide written by myself, meant to teach you how to live and think as I do. I must admit that it took a great deal of thought and consideration to decide whether or not the general population was worthy of my advice, but as I am a man of the people I came to the conclusion that I should share my knowledge in order to facilitate the production of a better world.

I’m sure all of you have heard of me and various stories of my great ideas and accomplishments, so there is little need to tell you about myself. Just know that in essence, I am one of the most intelligent and wholly proficient humans to ever set foot on this unworthy planet’s crust, and I am offering you this one chance to look inside my mind and see the methods and rates at which my gears turn. You may consider this an extremely priceless, once in my lifetime opportunity.
What This Blog Will Focus On
The purpose of The Elitist’s Guide to Living Successfully is to deliver tips straight from the mind of the master to knowledge-seeking, literate, yet sub-optimal humans with internet access everywhere.
You can expect many tips ranging from how to deal with our archenemies, such as the slow-walkers, the know-it-alls, the fakes, the solicitors, old people, and many more. However this guide is not specifically limited to dealing with inter-human conflicts, but also how to deal with the fact that you are better than everyone else (except for me… obviously). This includes coping with Anti-Hero Syndrome, addictions to vicarious stupidity, and the dreaded ‘I only say quote-worthy sentences’ tendencies.
This will be a long journey, but you can expect to become an increasingly better human being on a daily basis as well as pick up some fun facts along the way.
I completely understand that you read what I say and think to yourself, “Wow, I could never be as great as him!” but, fear not because I am here to give you step by step advice and assistance so that perhaps one day you could even reach half of my greatness!
There is a Chinese proverb that reads, “To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping.”
So, be strong in our adventure and do not give up. No matter how difficult it may seem to rise above mediocrity I will be here to provide you with the assistance you need.

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